Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Witty Wednesday

March 11, 2008

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,
 ’Is your date running late?’

 ‘No,’ he replies, ‘I have this state-of-the-art watch.
 I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch?
 What’s so special about it?’
 The Irishman explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to
 talk to me telepathically.’
 The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

 ‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

 The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well, it must be broken
 because I am wearing panties!’

 The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ‘ Bloody thing’s
 running about an hour fast’…….’ Can I buy you a drink?  ‘

Witty Wednesday

January 29, 2008
Don’t be offended, I’m a church~goer, too! 

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying “Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles” Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading “Sister’s of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying “Sister’s of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit”. His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers “I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?”The nun answers “Yes”, and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign,

“Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.”

On a lighter note….

November 28, 2007

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

A Rude Joke…

May 19, 2007

HOW MEN THINK (read at your peril) Read the rest of this entry »

At last!

April 18, 2007

  Makes sense…

A load of bull!

March 2, 2007

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s once a day.  You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”  

These will make you smile!

February 9, 2007

   Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  The man said, “I do, Father.”  The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” 

  Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. 

  Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” 

  The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”  

  O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finny.  “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher,  “they say I died!”  “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finny, “where are ye callin’ from?”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”  “Just water,” says the priest.  The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Friday funny

February 2, 2007

 In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

  Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Over here, golfers!

January 18, 2007

Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time.”

Friday Funny

January 12, 2007

 An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late – bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.


 After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk – since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
 They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said,


“OH NO It’s my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!”