Archive for the ‘Joke Of The Day’ Category

A load of bull!

March 2, 2007

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s once a day.  You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”  

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A funny for you

December 28, 2006

xmaslights.gif

 

Entering  Heaven

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
 
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

 

xmaslights.gif

 

Courtesy of http://humormatters.com/holidays/Christmas/xmasjokes.htm

 

The Final Word on Nutrition

December 8, 2006

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

cheers.gif (so slurring is good)

Christmas present

November 17, 2006

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present.
As they hadn’t been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note,
not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends’ sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

    Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-

Dear Sasha,
 I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which
are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean
and shiny.  In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have  chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

  Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
for me on Friday night.

All my love Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.