Archive for the ‘Jokes and Humor’ Category

A funny for you

December 28, 2006

xmaslights.gif

 

Entering  Heaven

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
 
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

 

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Courtesy of http://humormatters.com/holidays/Christmas/xmasjokes.htm

 

Telemarketing!!!

December 17, 2006

 telephone.gif

Listen here

The Final Word on Nutrition

December 8, 2006

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

cheers.gif (so slurring is good)

Put the kettle on!

November 13, 2006


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says……….”HEBREWS”

Labrador for Sale

November 7, 2006

    A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a  house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting  there. 

 “You talk?” he asks.  “Yes, I do,” the Lab replies.  “So, what’s your story?”  The Lab looks up and says,  “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I  was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,  sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog   would be eavesdropping.

 “I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters  and listening in.”


    “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
     “Ten dollars,” the guy says.
     “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
     “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit!”