Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Witty Wednesday

January 23, 2008
William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, “William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude.” “Mildred, she’s a prostitute.” “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.” In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

“Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

“So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said.

William asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Candie laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said W illiam, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.”

William said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Advertisements

These will make you smile!

February 9, 2007

   Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  The man said, “I do, Father.”  The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” 

  Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. 

  Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”  O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” 

  The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”  

  O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finny.  “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher,  “they say I died!”  “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finny, “where are ye callin’ from?”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”  “Just water,” says the priest.  The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

A funny for you

December 28, 2006

xmaslights.gif

 

Entering  Heaven

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
 
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

 

xmaslights.gif

 

Courtesy of http://humormatters.com/holidays/Christmas/xmasjokes.htm

 

The Final Word on Nutrition

December 8, 2006

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

cheers.gif (so slurring is good)

Friday funny

November 24, 2006

 Baptist Cowgirl


A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas,

walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. 


She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip

 out of each one in turn. 


When she finishes them, she comes back to

the bar and orders three more.


The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,

“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”


The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters.

One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.


When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised

that we’d drink this way to remember the days when

we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each

 of my sisters and one for myself.”


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

 and leaves it there.  


The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar,

 and always drinks the same way.  


She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.  


One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round,

 the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief,

 but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”  


The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then

a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.


“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains,

“It’s just that my husband and I joined the

Baptist Church

 and I had to quit drinking.  


“Hasn’t affected my sisters though!”