Archive for the ‘Witty Wednesday’ Category

Witty Wednesday

March 11, 2008

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,
 ’Is your date running late?’

 ‘No,’ he replies, ‘I have this state-of-the-art watch.
 I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch?
 What’s so special about it?’
 The Irishman explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to
 talk to me telepathically.’
 The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

 ‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

 The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well, it must be broken
 because I am wearing panties!’

 The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ‘ Bloody thing’s
 running about an hour fast’…….’ Can I buy you a drink?  ‘

Witty Wednesday

March 5, 2008

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”  That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”  “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of  John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Witty Wednesday

January 29, 2008
Don’t be offended, I’m a church~goer, too! 

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying “Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles” Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading “Sister’s of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying “Sister’s of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit”. His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers “I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?”The nun answers “Yes”, and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign,

“Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.”

Witty Wednesday

January 23, 2008
William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, “William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude.” “Mildred, she’s a prostitute.” “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.” In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

“Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

“So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said.

William asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Candie laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said W illiam, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.”

William said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Wednesday

January 15, 2008

 

WfmwsmallToday is another edition of Works-For-Me Wednesday Backwards Edition, in which you ask a question of your readers instead of sharing a piece of advice.
Here’s my dilemma: I’m waking up at 5am most mornings then I toss and turn for an hour or so till I drop off again. I wake with the alarm at 7.30 feeling like I haven’t slept at all. Although by the time the children are ready for school, I perk up. The pharmacist suggested a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, but I’ve stopped drinking! I go to bed between 11pm and 11.30 most nights and read before I sleep. I have no idea why I wake up at this time almost every morning.
  Does anyone have any advice other than herbal remedies which as yet, don’t seem to help…
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Still on the subject of sleep, here’s my entry for Witty wednesday…
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By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a proprietor. “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.
” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.” The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better”, said the soldier. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?” “No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the soldier.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor.
“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”